The Adjustment to Touching

I grew up with touching being used for very few things; occasional greeting with friends or family, a way to show excitement, a congratulatory gesture, or used in a sexual or loving manner. Even though it was not used as often as in other cultures, it still played an important role where it fit.

In the first 22 years of my life, randomly touching a stranger was a definite “no-no.” If you hugged a woman you were not familiar with it could be harassment. If you held hands with a man during conversation or travel you were gay. If you casually touch someone in conversation you became one of those creepy individuals you read about in the news. Touch has always been an important and very common practice in communication; at least outside of my own little word. Fast forward to August 2005. New country, new culture, new experiences, yet the same mindset.

A few experiences pop into my head as moments when I literally stopped and thought “Oh my God!” I had been here a few weeks and decided to go shoot some pool. As I walk in the pool hall I see people lounging together in proximity so close it disturbed me. There were hands being held, heads in laps, and conversation with individuals so close I thought they were about to pounce each other in some grand release of sexual frustration. The problem? They were all men. There I am, very near the entrance (and yes, exit) in this facility, and I am speechless. I will not even transcribe the thoughts that were running through my head. None of them were good.

The next moment came while I was at work. I have always looked left, right, and then left again in preparation to cross the street. I was with a co-worker at this time and we seemed to be following the same routine. Obviously, I was missing a step. As we are about to set foot in the street he grabs my hand and I instinctively pull away and stop. “No, no, this OK, we do this,” he assured me. I replied in the kindest way I could: “We don’t.” Again he grabs my hand assuring me that it is normal. Now we are at a dead standstill. I think he is coming on to me and just doesn’t take no for an answer. He probably thought I was nuts. Normal reactions for both parties.

This last moment borders on what I thought was sexual harassment and almost resulted in a physical altercation. Some of my friends introduced me to one of their friends, also a male. He shakes my hand (right hand), puts his left hand on my right shoulder, hugs me, and kisses my cheeks. Fortunately my friends noticed my reaction (one of them had lived in the US for 8 years and understood where I was coming from) and immediately said “Dude, he’s American! They don’t do that.” The guy immediately apologized and all was forgiven, yet I still felt uneasy.

I am now a little more open to all of the touching. I had never had a problem hugging a woman, but I still have reservations about hugging men I am not close to or familiar with. The cheek kiss is no longer a farfetched idea and doesn’t freak me out. I will still not initiate this with a man, though. I no longer jump and freak out if a man touches my knee in conversation and I can talk in close proximity with other males without feeling that I am doing something wrong.

The only problem with all of this is that now I have to behave as if I am two different people. The customs I have become accustomed too over here are not all that common back at home. I have to hold back, restrain, and remember that everyone was not raised the same and does not place a high value on certain aspects of social interaction.

Touching aside, I have found the culture here more open (to an extent) when it comes to communication, and not ashamed of having close relationships with members of the same sex. It is easier for me to talk to people here, and I don’t feel withdrawn when I am in a crowd of strangers because I know people are not going to yell at me if I accidently brush up against them.

Does anyone else have any experiences strictly related to touching in various cultures? Experiences, observations, or just information. Also, please include either your nationality or where you were raised in the response.

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